


Letting Him Go

by LadyOliviaRoxton



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 08:12:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4952950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOliviaRoxton/pseuds/LadyOliviaRoxton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was so filled with hope that he always comes back, but she had to face the truth. Joshua Nolan was dead. (Just a little one shot exploring Amanda's mind after the finale.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Him Go

It had been three weeks since Irisa told her. Three weeks of nightmare filled nights and alcohol filled mornings. The afternoons were somewhere in between, but she couldn't be sure where. Amanda, stretched out on her bed, tried to hold on to the last moments of her stupor. The moments before the vodka wore off and her dreams began. She could see him. Watch as he once again gave up his life so everyone else could live. The dream twisted at this point, just like every night before.

Each night became worse. The dreams varied, but he always died. He died of old age trying to get back to her. The endless words of love and hoping to see her face on his last breath. She watched as he slowly suffocated to death. Of course there was no reason for him to be, dreams rarely come with explanations, but he did. Gasping for breath he begged her to help him, and finally asked why she allowed him to leave before succumbing to darkness. The remaining Omec on the ship killed him for taking command. They ripped his body apart. She jolted awake as one sank their fangs into his still beating heart.

The nightmares left her hollow. Amanda always awoke with tears on her cheek and a pounding heart.

In the void between being awake and asleep she could feel her pulse begin to quicken with anticipation. The dream took shape and she lost her little sense of reality.

He was there. Standing on what her mind had made the Omec ship look like. The description she overheard Irisa give a few citizens of the town influenced the construction. He stood in front of the large window, back to her, gazing at the wonder of Earth from space. She heard herself call out his name. The sweet sound of desire filling the spacious room. He turned and moved closer to her. This was different. There was no sense of urgency. No idea of death and sorrow surrounding this meeting. She rushed forward into his waiting arms. Felt him close those strong and safe appendages around her delicate frame. For the first time in three weeks she was not afraid.

"You have to let me go."

His words were like a knife straight into her heart. She didn't want to. Life was hard enough for her to bare when he was around and keeping her steady. Without him? She was likely to fall without a chance to get back up. "I don't know how. You have to come back. You always come back." The tears started flowing as her words wobbled out of her mouth. "I can't do this without you." Her own arms came around him, clinging to his body. Even dreaming she knew this wouldn't last. He broke free, grabbed her upper arms, and held her away from him. As soon as their bodies lost contact she felt adrift. He was holding on to her but she could feel that he wasn't really there.

"I'm not coming back this time. You have to move on. If not for yourself, than for the town. And if not for that, then for me."

He pulled her back to his chest. Her first few tears now full sobbing. There was a echoing knock on the hull of the ship. Reality coming through the dream. He began to utter comforting words and sounds but they were becoming distant. She was beginning to wake up. It made her start to panic. She didn't want to leave this dream. She wanted to stay. Stay with the man she loved for the rest of her life. But dreams are cruel and fleeting. As her conscious mind developed and gave way to the sweet slumber she was having, there were three words that came through the fog. Three words that would allow her to move on and find a purpose again.

"I love you."

Amanda awoke and the tears began a fresh assault. He was right. Dammit she hated when he was right. She couldn't stay locked in this room any longer. She was still the mayor and needed to act as such. The knocking on her door was real and she had half a mind to shoot whoever was on the other side. That was until Irisa spoke.

"Amanda? Open up. If you don't come out soon, Datak said he would take over as mayor."

She couldn't let that happen. Nolan would never forgive her if she did. She rolled over and thought about what her dream had said. It was time to move on. Time to accept that he was dead. She opened the door and let the Irathiant girl in. She must have looked like hell because the younger woman's face was clearly shocked at her start of being.

"You look like shtaka. Come on let's get you cleaned up."

Irisa went to help her and Amanda pushed her away. "I don't need your help. I'm fine." She shuffled over to her vanity and sat down. The brush on her left felt heavy as she picked it up. When was the last time she brushed her hair? Truth be told she had no idea. Slowly, over the course of two hours, she became alive again. The grieving widow was gone and all that was left was the mayor of Defiance. Irisa stayed with her the entire time, not saying much just observing. At the end the girl must have felt the need to offer some words of comfort.

"He is coming back Amanda. We just-"

"No. He's not Irisa." A small smile played on her lips. "He is dead. And I need to accept that." She saw the hurt in Irisa's eyes as the girl realized that Amanda had given up on the possibility of Nolan being alive. For whatever reason she felt the need to explain why she came to this conclusion. "I can't go on with the hope that he is alive. Defiance needs her mayor." Her breath began to shake, but she needed to say his name. Needed to have that final closure. "Joshua Nolan is dead."

It was the last words she would speak on the manner for another four weeks. When her world would be turned upside down once again as he sauntered back into her office as if no time had passed. But that was a future she knew nothing about.

For now she had found acceptance. For now she had let him go.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to be okay after the way the finale ended, but that just didn't happen. Thus this little drabble was born.
> 
> This is my first post on AO3 so let me know what you think!


End file.
